Death sucks. It hurts. It breaks our hearts. It messes with our minds. It feels like an invisible knife has plunged into our being. The loss of loved ones desolates our lives. It numbs us. It fogs our thinking. Unfortunately, this cycle of birth, life, and death is not going to come to an end in this world.
One year after my dad, who was 87, passed away, my mother said to me, “I didn’t think it would be this bad”. A preacher I knew who had been married 70 years then lost his wife described his loss to me as “Hell on earth”.
Death happens every day, every hour all around the world. Because death is so frequent, it is oftentimes taken for granted. That is until someone very close to us is gone. Especially, if they die too early and too young.
On December 8th we lost Nan Jacobson, a young lady who is very dear to our family. On December 11th I posted her photo and wrote, “Our precious Nan has passed into the presence of our Lord. She is at peace. We are in pain.”
I haven’t written about her loss. In fact, her loss pretty much stifled my writing. It’s hard to “be refreshing” when you’re not feeling refreshed. However, I think now I might be able to share a couple of thoughts that will help us if we apply them.
Grieve with Hope
This is the very first thing. God knows the agony we feel when someone dies. One reason we find death so devastating is that we’re created in God’s image. Death goes against God’s character. As God’s image bearers, death never feels normal.
Since God understands our loss, He tells us to grieve. However the instruction He gives us is to “grieve with hope”. 1 Thessalonians 4:13 says, “We want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope”.
This hope we have in Christ is a sure thing. It’s not the kind of hope like someone who says they hope they’ll win the lottery, or they hope they will lose weight, or they hope the new year is trouble-free. Those who believe in and trust in Jesus have the “certain” hope of passing into His presence when they die. “For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands.” (2 Corinthians 5:1)
This is why I wrote that Nan is at peace. She accepted Christ as her Savior and received the free gift. “The free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 6:23). I also wrote, “we are in pain”. The only relief I can find is the certain hope we have in Christ.
Stop Blaming God
It’s not unusual to hear or read comments like these.
“God took him or her too soon.”
“It was God’s will.”
“God needed them in Heaven more than here on Earth”
“God needed another angel.”
Please don’t say those things. No. 1 - They don’t help. No. 2 - They’re not true.
God is NOT looking over the Earth deciding who to kill today. If someone’s three-year-old child runs out in front of a car and gets killed, and you tell me it was God’s will, I will disagree with you. In fact, I would tell you that I don’t like your god very much.
The God of the Bible is all about life. He is life-creating and life-sustaining. His desire for everyone is abundant life and eternal life. God is not to be blamed for death. When the first man and woman chose to defy God and do the one thing they were told not to do, sin came rushing into the world more violently than an EF5 tornado slamming into a wooden barn. Because of it, we live in a broken world where bad things have been happening ever since. Death is the most horrible result.
The first death we read about in the Bible was Cain killing his brother, Abel. It’s foolish to think Abel’s death was orchestrated by God. Imagine God really loving Abel and approving of the sacrifice Abel brought to Him and then suddenly deciding to have Cain murder him. Who could ever trust a God like that?
Diseases, accidents, wars, tornadoes, hurricanes, and death by any means were not part of the perfect world God created. Don’t blame God.
Trust God and Be ready to GO
Several years ago a very good friend of mine died as a result of an accidental fall. His name was Johnnie Castle. I didn’t realize how close we were until he was gone. We used to do a lot of building and repair projects together at our church. Johnnie was noted for not turning off the electricity when he wired an outlet or light fixture. Sometimes when I would ask him if he wanted me to kick the breaker, he’d reach in with his cutting pliers and cut the hot wire which would, of course, spark and kick the breaker. I’d tell him how crazy that was and that he could get killed doing things like that. With a big grin, Johnnie would say, “I’m READY to go!”. And I’d say, “I know you’re ready to go. But I’m not ready FOR you to go.”
We can all be ready to go by trusting Jesus and asking Him to come into our hearts and take over our lives. I know Johnnie was ready to go. I also discovered what I said was true. I wasn’t ready for him to go. I spent the next three years in a funk, noticeable to only a few. I was grieving Johnnie’s departure and didn’t even know it. His absence zapped a lot of creativity out of me.
The words to Toby Kieth’s song, “Crying For Me” rang true for me then and still do today.
“So play it sweet in Heaven
Cause that’s right where you want to be
I’m not cryin’ cause I feel so sorry for you
I’m cryin’ for me”.
Talk About It
Probably one the hardest things to do and yet one the most important things to do with death is talk about it. It’s kinda what I’m doing right now.
It’s very important to find someone to talk to. Someone who can empathize with you. Because regardless of how great our faith in Christ is, the loss of a loved one might be compared to what I imagine receiving a head blow from a professional heavyweight boxer might be like. Your ramblings might not make much sense for while, but regardless you need to try to talk.
My friend, Carl, who is Nan's dad, called me soon after we learned of her passing. I was literally in a situation where I couldn’t talk to him at that moment. To be honest, I was thankful I couldn’t. I didn’t know what to say and anything I said would have been choked off by my tears. As I write, the same thing is happening now.
A few hours later, I was in a place where I was able to call him back. I still wasn’t really able to say much. Neither was he. However, I think the call was an encouragement to us both. Something Carl did say though was this, “Fred, Nothin’, nothin’, nothin’ matters except Jesus.” All of my hope, all of his hope is in Jesus.
As I conclude, I just need to say, please don’t comment with words of sympathy. I already know you sympathize and, some, empathize. All I really wanted to do here, is encourage you in these ways.
Are you able to grieve with hope? I am. I know I’ll see a lot of people in Heaven who passed from this life with their faith in Christ. Nan is one of them. If you don’t know for sure if you’ll be there someday, then go to God in prayer right now. In faith, say something like this… Jesus, I know I’m a sinner. Thank you for dying in my place on that cross and forgiving me of my sins. I’m giving my life to You. Come into my heart and lead me as I journey through this world following You.
I encourage you to take a close look at life and, death, and realize that God is not the bad guy. If you’ve been blaming Him, it’s time to refresh your thinking. Another thing I’ve heard people say when someone dies is “That’s life”. No, it’s not. That’s death. And it never feels good, because as God’s image bearers “forever” is how God made us.
I encourage you to talk to someone. Our church has a group called Grief Share. It can be found in many churches across the country. Maybe that’s a place for you. But if not a group, then at least find a person who will listen.
If you've lost a family member or friend, and just need someone to pray for you, please send me a message.
